Do you remember the famous Charlie Brown and Lucy storyline that involved the football? Lucy tells Charlie Brown she will hold the football while he kicks it. Because of previous attempts at this game, Charlie Brown is suspicious and doesn’t trust that she will actually hold the ball. Lucy tells him that this time it will be different. Charlie Brown, ever hopeful that maybe this time Lucy is telling the truth, runs as fast as he can to kick the ball, and sure enough Lucy moves the ball just as he is about to kick. Poor Charlie Brown ends up flat on his back deceived again.
Did you ever read the comic strip or watch the Charlie Brown specials and think, “Don’t do it, Charlie Brown! Don’t do it! Don’t trust her- she’s up to her same old tricks!” Charlie Brown wants to trust Lucy and what she is saying this time around. He wants to believe that things are, and will be, different.
Have you ever been Charlie Brown?
Trust is a funny thing. For the most part, we want to trust people. We want to believe people. Trusting someone allows us to feel safe. Even the most untrusting of us started out with a trusting spirit. Just as we want to love and be loved, we want to trust and be trusted.
Have you ever had someone break your trust? I can’t think of anyone who hasn’t. How does this very common rupture in relationships occur? Broken trust occurs when someone acts the opposite of how you assumed/hoped/expected he/she would act or when he/she goes against the spoken or unspoken “agreement” in the relationship. Lucy said she would hold the football, and she didn’t. You expected your relationship would be safe from wandering eyes and hearts, but it wasn’t. You hoped your loved one would stop his self destructive, addictive behavior, but he hasn’t. You assumed your friend would never betray you, but she did.
Our deepest hurts are often caused by those we trust the most. It isn’t part of the plan for that relationship. That’s why it hurts so much. It is unexpected. We didn’t think that person could do this to us. A spouse. A parent. A best friend. Sometimes it is hard for us to admit that trust has been broken and this person is no longer trustworthy because it shatters our image of that person. This, in of itself, can be devastating. Sometimes we may even try to convince ourselves to overlook broken trust because it may feel easier to just move forward than stay in the present and heal the wound and repair the brokenness in the relationship.
However, we cannot ignore someone’s untrustworthy behavior. To do so is like running when you have shin splints. Yes, you can run through the pain and eventually you won’t feel it anymore, but you are doing damage to your body. Eventually, you will have to stop and take the appropriate steps to heal your body.
We can keep trying to ignore broken trust and the emotional wounds it leaves in its wake, but eventually we will just become emotionally numb. Just because we stop feeling does not mean our hearts aren’t breaking.
How do you repair broken trust in a relationship? How do you learn to trust again? Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes two people… two people working on themselves, fixing the areas that need fixing, healing the wounds that need healing, and strengthening the emotional and communication muscles that need strengthening. It takes BOTH people working, growing, and changing to rebuild and repair trust.
But wait a minute, you might be thinking, I did not deceive this person…I did not break our agreement. No, you did not, but we cannot successfully repair a relationship, or enter into a new one, unless old patterns change and deep wounds heal.
We cannot expect the other person to heal us. That is our job.
But earning trust? That is the other person’s job.
John Townsend in BeyondBoundariessays, “Love is free, trust is earned.” I absolutely love that and I think it is so true. We give our love freely. Love does not fall on a grading scale. But trust… trust is different. Trust is earned. We trust those with our hearts who have shown themselves worthy of our trust.
As you work to heal your heart, you have to simultaneously discern if it is safe to trust again. How do you know someone is trustworthy? How do you know if the relationship can be saved? How do you know when you are ready to enter into a new relationship? Trust is an integral part of any relationship. You cannot have true connection without trust. This is part one of our discussion on repairing trust. I hope you will join me for part two when I will discuss five key factors to consider when learning to trust someone again.
Healing takes times and rebuilding does take work, but your heart can be made whole and you can have a healthy, loving, trusting relationship.
When has your trust been broken? What was that like for you? How has broken trust in a relationship impacted you and your life?